modern teeth

I. seventeen flushes elapsed before I finished my project in the plum-colored ladies room: replacing each one of my teeth with a new, “upgraded” tooth. I’d purchased them – “FIREFOX ENAMEL 4.7” – on a whim in Duane Reade. it’s summertime and I, like every woman in the app biz, faced the seismic pressure to GLEAM. as an innovator (a sort of “CSS cowgirl” if you will), I don’t balk at modern technology. especially if it purports the seductive grin of a snow-toothed woman. on the box she looks so happy and bright. like her, I too am poised at the apex of evolution– but I admit–  my teeth are two generations behind. though the model’s teeth seem slightly too large for her mouth, I take it for some “fresh architecture,” the dental avant garde, and ran my finger comparatively over my own humbly-sized grin. jocular walrus begone! i thought with box in hand.

II. the box read:

Purpose: Look better than ever is easy with totally new teeth. Simply replace old teeth with new teeth in FIREFOX’S Three Easy Steps.

Directions: Arrange FIREFOX teeth in correct order prior to replacement. Extract old teeth with FIREFOX-PLIER one at a time, starting with top front teeth, then bottom front teeth, then remaining teeth. Insert new FIREFOX teeth one by one. Make sure alignment is correct by slipping root into preexisting root canals. For best results, upgrade FIREFOX teeth yearly and brush with FIREFOX ALBATRON TOOTH PASTE. 

III. & so, two weeks later on business in Berlin, I found a warped version of myself cowered in front of the bathroom mirror attempting to “align my roots with current root canals.” I had replaced all but my two front teeth before the convention, but the pain was wild. I realized shamefully how closely I resembled Edward Munch’s the scream– such an outdated relic! after the seventeenth flush I heard the speaker announce the winner of this year’s tech grammy. I thought of all the hard work my Germanic ancestors had put into hoisting me into the peak of intellectual and aesthetic evolution, and how my double helix of personal fortitude was Jack’s Beanstalk compared to your average street-person. how i was to prevail. how now was the time to make good of my dentifrices. I jammed the final tooth into place and ran into the auditorium to accept my award.

I have no regrets about my purchase even though  my mouth remains so inflamed that I can no longer speak. fortunately I communicate entirely through tweets, hashberries and ##soundclouds. my children, now four and seven, are poised to become the next tech-innovators of lower manhattan and will soon be the lawful patrons of FIREFOX 6.8 teeth. smile, bratz 😀


2 thoughts on “modern teeth

    1. @DanRiggins haha yes!…you’re right…looks like i accidentally caught tech dystopia fever. it would be interesting to see what margaret atwood would have written if she was in the heyday of social media. this was ACTUALLY based off a dream i had this weekend (heat induced i think) that i replaced my teeth and it was SUPER PAINFUL. i actually woke up in front of my bathroom mirror touching my teeth which is absurdly creepy BUT, on the bright side, i got to experience that awesome feeling of post-dream relief that my teeth were totally fine.

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