the bar i would open would be piñata-themed, but not overtly – just full of little destructible tanks of goodies. the piñatas would come in all forms. there would be the classic donkey, yes, but there would also be naturally occurring piñatas like beehives stuffed with honeycomb and fake blowfish stuffed with milk taffies and ruby gum balls. there would also be disco-balls stuffed with funfetti (crowd pleaser, kid friendly). the floor would be bubble-wrap quality, producing little poofs of pixie sugar with each step. upon entering, patrons would be given little bats so they could order a donkey “on tap,” thenceforth striking the closest donkey with goodies to spare. for decor, there would be pictures of the great pinateers on the walls: conquistadors and Ecuadors and commodores all tipping their hats to their papery foes before striking them empty of their indigenous spoils. the darkest kept secret of the bar would be that ONE piñata could NEVER be bashed and bore the immortal fruit of a thousand imperial colonies: ancient earth gummies, mother of pearl gumballs, unicorn teeth, dead sun chocolate, and berries from a million hills. this immortal piñata’s strategic location was in the back of the bar, next to the toilets, where no one ever went because they’d be preoccupied by the maze of other dangly piñatas. the chalkboard out front would lure passersby with “$4 margs + a million tootsies! free when you bash the donkey!” it’s not really a good idea for a bar really, nor are there many puns to draw upon, but i guarantee having piñata carcasses strewn about would create that plush post-party, dystopian chaos that’s this summer’s (and last+next summer’s) biggest hit (i.e. kanye’s scariest album yet, baz luhrmann’s gatsby on crack, the bling ring, etc. etc.). at best, the bar would be so great that ken burns would make a movie out of it so that all my little piñatas could have the sepia-toned afterlife they deserved. i hear heaven keeps piñatas fully stocked with mayan chocolates and life-giving pomegranate seeds, so have you any concerns, don’t– i will retire the piñatas when they are due, and they will live happily ever after in piñata heaven.
secondly, i want to go to ibiza! eyyyy miercoles!