lionel shriver and willy wonka have a chat


“it’s very dark in this alleyway, lionel, but i’m glad you showed it to me.”

“let’s not pussyfoot it willy, you know what i’m here for.”

“you know the last time i made it out of the factory edward heath was milling about. the queen presumably still had great legs.”

“certainly she did not. you can’t be queen and have those legs trolling about.”

“’71…then it was all ‘mungo jerry’ and ‘the osmunds,’ shagging and ‘mug-o-lunch’…”


“aye m’lady. mug-o-lunch.”


“such a great year for flavors…”

“you had quite a bit of paperwork in ’71 too, didn’t you, willy?”


“aye, paperwork.”

“how do you mean.”

“what from all of the accidents. the transitive properties of your so called SWEETS, willy, your demon sweets.”

“those children were all bad eggs.”

“don’t be a brash willy. those triglycerides have corroded your head.”

“say do you smell that? something smells foul. this alleyway gives me the creeps, lionel, i’d like to leave now.”

“hand it over willy.”

“lionel, you know very well i–”

“we have an agreement, willy.”

“lionel you know agreements are not really my forte, slugworth, ipso facto”

“the gshshgoppptrrzz willy.”

“i’m sorry lionel i don’t quite understand, what is it that you want?”


“grasshoppers? certainly! right away, lionel! at once!”


“lionel you must annunciate better. we aren’t czech for god sakes, we have vowels. british vowels! vowels are the kernels of english omnipotence, lionel. the british have made them global phenomena, lionel, like tea, so you must use them! they demand your allegiance!”


“have a better try, lionel, let’s have the very best of shoreditch hear you. the editors. the critics–”



“certainly, lionel.”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s